Most awesomest dialogue moments in recentish computer game historica

‘Suffer like G did?’

Before the X-Box and the lightguns, Cal and I would gladly surrender a few gold coins to this arcade classic. There have been some sub-average The House of the Dead sequels but the charm for number two (who do you work for?) is the thick spread of B-grade cheese that slathers this product. Everything from the character movements to the dialogue is clunky and that’s why we adore this rail shooter.

Voice fail

You’d think that most of the people you meet in all of Tamriel—or at least in Cyrodiil and Skyrim—have split-personality disorders. As the video demonstrates the voice acting can slip from one specific person like an elderly miser to a young, pleasant woman during the same conversation. It’s weird and you do let it go after a while but it does break immersion just a little.

‘I know what you are thinking.’

Udo Kier’s portrayal of the psychic villain Yuri is like a Soviet version of the Master! You can mind control soldiers and tanks—even buildings. There is no limit to the destruction that you can wreak with Yuri’s forces in the Red Alert 2 expansion. Just don’t use the brutes because they’re one of the most useless and easily countered units that you can train.

G-man

Creepy, croaky mister G-man. Half-Life fans know him well, or do they? He’s that dude in a suit, carrying a briefcase, who stalks Gordon Freeman and talks a lot of vague stuff. What does it all mean? I guess we might find out when Episode 3 arrives …

Who wants a Krotchy Doll?

Postal 2 was as hilarious as it was controversial (the kittens as silencers and public urination thing pushed it). You’re a trailer-trash dude who has to complete tasks on a shopping list from purchasing milk to getting Gary Coleman’s autograph. Yeah.

‘I’ve got balls of steel’

So the latest Duke Nukem game sucked. Like CS:CZ it came out too late but even that’s not an excuse for how terrible the final product was. Despite that, Duke’s misogynistic and egotistical character was immortalised in Duke Nukem 3D where the quotes are so memorable that there are soundboard terrorists who prey on unsuspecting WoW players via Ventrilo.

Heaps cooler than Twilight and True Blood

Role-play as a vampire in a world that’s not tainted by lovey-dovey tripe and is instead rife with choices and consequences. Nosferatu suck on rats and travel in the sewers, Toreadors cling to their humanity and socialise publicly while Malkavians are an insane breed in their own right. Dialogue choices as a Malkavian are always entertaining and odd. Enjoy the excellent writing and the frenetic action, pity the Source engine they shipped on release was buggy as hell.

‘You’re freakin dead, Payne!’

Vinnie Gognitti: everyone’s favourite whiny criminal boss. Some, or probably most, find his nasally whinging irritating but I laugh at everything he says. He’s the light-hearted entertainment in this gritty noir story of revenge and painkiller addiction. Cue theme music, aww yeah.

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