There’s this fantastical world called Nirn or something and it’s so much prettier than our own because you can mod the planetoid in the sky to look like the Death Star (that’s no moon) and you can run around as a cat dude and litter the vistas with steel arrows as you chase that sly fox that always scarpers when you chase it but then out of nowhere—oh lordy—a dragon will swoop and belch fire at the poor peasants which is fantastic because while Alduin’s buddy is distracted you can crouch among the mushies and the bushies and thrust out your hands—Palpatine style—to deliver the electrical pain and when your mana pool runs dry you can finish off the beast with a poisoned arrow (something’s in the air/is anybody there?) but if animal hunting aint yo thang then you can, by Sithis, end some lives for the Dark Brotherhood or permanently borrow from non-playable characters for the Thieves Guild and bring about phase three which=profit or if looting bores you then you could always quit because the never ending list of quests can be so overwhelming that it feels like you’re triple-checking a reference list so I just bounce around the Nordic-Scandinavianish terrain with gleeful abandon and admire the digital beauties from the brilliant drawing distance to the minute details like those sweet lookin smithing signs — oh how they don’t glint in the sunlight because they’re so dull but their rough textures … oh the rough textures … Why stomp when you can force a horse to swim and traverse mountains? Why use punctuation consistently [sic] when you can join the Stormcloaks despite the fact that their racist ideals amount to nothing more than a few repetitive fort sieges and a lame speech and then there’s the main quest which I have deviated from so much that I’m enjoying the random adventures but then isn’t that the core strength of any Elder Scrolls title because we all know that the main storylines are pretty average when compared to the Daedric shenanigans that you can find yourself in like the time you drank too much in Whiterun or that skull thing that’s vaguely reminiscent of Freddy Krueger’s taunts in the nightmarescape (and we’re not talkin about kiddy fiddling folks) so where were we … oh yeah you can eat troll’s toes and human hearts and combine these oddities to create potions only these are more effective than the ice cream container full of grass and water and shampoo that Cal and I perched on top of the swing so many years ago which was probably a few years before our first jumping spree throughout Balmora and it is a shame that there is no acrobatic skill to improve in the latest Elder Scrolls epic (and where’s ‘mark’ and ‘recall’? I haven’t seen them around for centuries …) because getting around via rooftops was always cool … cool like the enchantments that you can enchant apparel and weapons with and you can change the name of that item when you enchanterise it which allows you to be super creative with your gear and just imagine the possibilities with damage multipliers for attacking while crouching in the shadows you can knock out most targets with one shot which is hilarious and most violent so why aren’t you ignoring your body’s needs and immersing yourself in one of the greatest digital escapes since Civ III? Do it. Make sense? Splendiferous!