Apparently Fox’s Fantastic Four reboot is craptastic crud. We haven’t seen it yet so we’ll reserve judgement. After all, the interweb is rife with deceit and despair.
Are you tired of the repetitive superhero remakes? Pretty soon that recycle bin’s gonna be empty. We need more quirky, fun adventures like Mystery Men (1999) and Flash Gordon (1980) for the sake of diversity. All this modern dark, dark emotional stuff is setting a monotonous and boring trend.
It’s ok, everybody. We’re here to inspire a fresh generation of screenplay writers to fight against the ruinous movie studios with one vital ingredient: creativity.
How’s this for a superhero origin story: Four regulars accept the fire-in-the-hole parma challenge at a trivia night and experience spontaneous physical transformations when they taste the special chili sauce while being simultaneously shocked by the broadcast of Ballot Box, a live reality TV series about shamed politicians putting aside their differences on a luxury yacht so that they can stop the boats.
Distracted, the Triumphant Tetrad win the raffle (meat tray) but come second last in the trivia. They sue the pub, hunt the chef and lodge a formal complaint with the Australian Communications and Media Authority for justice.
The Triumphant Tetrad are:
Natasha ‘Vice’ Bukov —grips any beverage, no matter how chilled, without needing a stubby holder. Her right hand, like her uterus, is as cold as ice.
Sensei Akuma—imbues excrement with chi; a guru of origami. Don’t touch his brown pooper crane, bru.
Dr. ‘Elastique’ —makes everything floppy; he has the flaccid touch.
Max Von ‘Bloat’—travels on a cloud of noxious fumes. Just don’t stand behind him. BYO gas mask.
Let us know in the comments who your whacky, heroic awesome foursome are.